20 December, 2015 17:05


In the wake of a blatant Government-approved character assassination, Delilah “Stoner Sloth” Carpenter (17) says she will now have to find new ways to hide and suppress her deep-seeded fears of abandonment and social anxieties.

“I guess one of the main reasons I smoked weed was because it made me feel better about the fact that my dad left us after mum discovered he had been having an affair with 24-year-old woman at work,”

“I never thought it was a habit that would have left me feeling so humiliated. I thought it was pretty much legal anyway,”

After finding herself being made fun of in the centre of a new Government campaign to tackle marijuana use in teenagers, Delilah has stated that she has now given up marijuana, but that kicking the habit has done very little to alleviate her feelings of lethargy and depression.

“Now, I just cry myself to sleep. I told mum about it all and she just said I should take the medicine the doctor prescribed me when I was ten, but that ritalin stuff makes me feel really jittery and uncomfortable,”

“I spent my entire childhood taking that stuff and it made me feel like a stranger in my own body. At least I was well behaved when mum’s new boyfriend was around,”

“I never meant to be a Stoner Sloth, I just wanted to be normal… ”

“…But now I’m really into nangs,”

Nang, is a crude term for nitrous oxide (NO2, laughing gas) when used as a recreational drug. Delilah finds this particular toxin as a suitable replacement for her previous self-medicating.

“It’s really good. I can buy them at any hardware store and huff them through a balloon. It’s so much better than having to worry about buying plant-based products from my uncle’s surfy mate,”

“I miss my dad so much. I hate that everyone is teasing me at school because of this stupid television ad,”



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