ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Sometime this week a popular local man lost his keys somewhere between The Gelded Seahorse Hotel and his rented French Quarter studio apartment.

The night Matthew ‘Frogstomp’ Gilmore lost his keys, he managed to scramble up through the only window his flat has by walking along his neighbour’s fence and up the exposed plumbing.

Despite knocking a few pot plants off the fence as he went, Frogstomp (who received his nickname not from a love of Silverchair but from his penchant for taking green frogs out of the toilet and stomping on them) said he slept soundly that night.

One thing that did keep him awake briefly was knowing that getting a new key to his studio would be easy, while getting a new spare for his AU Falcon would be much harder.

The 29-year-old waterproofing contractor sat down with The Advocate this afternoon in the smoking pokies at The Gelded Seahorse.

But before he explained how he unfucked his week after losing his keys, he took the new spare key to his Falcon out of his filthy breifcase and plonked it on the table.

“Got a new key from the landlady downstairs. Wasn’t the first time, wasn’t the last time. She’s cool with it,” he said as he unpeeled a filter from a discarded cigarette in the ashtray.

“As for the Falcon, that was a bit trickier. I knew the keys wouldn’t turn up and I needed to get to work today so I bought a spare key and a two-pound hammer from Mitre 10 and I was away.”

The spare key looked suspiciously like a new 6-inch flat head screwdriver.

“And I’ll tell you another thing for free, mate. This spare key will open just about any AU, EA, EB or EL Falcon on the road today. All you do it put the tip in the keyhole and bash it in with the hammer. Same works for the door and the ignition,”

“If the cops pull you over and see a big old screwdriver hammered down the barrel, show the dogs your rego papers and you’re off. It’s not illegal to root your car like that. Culturally frowned up, yes.”

Frogstomp then laughed to himself and rolled the scavenged filter into his Port Royal racehorse and lit it off the gas heater on the wall.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here