Darren Longbottom (26), one of the caucasianest young men in the greater Betoota region has today reaffirmed himself as the type of whiteboy that calls other men ‘brother’ – a cultural idiom usually reserved for Muslims and other ethnic, faith-based and llinguistic minorities.

While working the room at a work event today, the harmless young real estate agent was overheard using the term of endearment towards an array of both vague acquaintces and coworkers that he considers to be close friends.

“Haha here he is!” exclaims Darren, upon the arrival of one of these colleagues worthy of Darren’s cross-cultural form of affection.

“Jimbo. How you been Brotheeeerr?”

His associates, who are no longer shocked by this kind of unorthodox whiteboy behaviour at this stage of post-war Australian multiculturalism, kind of just accept it – knowing full well that they are not real brothers. In neither the biological sense or the in-solidarity sense.

A recent report by the NWA (National Whiteboy Auditor) has found that over 95% of whiteboys that use the term ‘brother’ instead of ‘mate’ or ‘cobber’ have usually been raised in either only-child households or with only sisters.

“The only whiteboys who say this word naturally are Mormons, and that’s usually at religious events” says NWA lead researcher, Pez Hilltops.

“What we’ve found is that a vast majority of these whiteboy ‘brotherers’ have usually based their male-to-male camaraderie on hip hop songs and mafia movies”

The report found that while majority of whiteboys who use the word brother are forcing it, there are a few exceptions to this rule, as well as variations.

“Don’t forget the whiteboys who were the only whiteboys in their social circles. The Adam Reynolds types” says the researcher.

When they say it, it’s very much from the heart”

“Or the variations of ‘brother’ that have mutated throughout different whiteboy communities.”

“For example, when whiteboys from Sydney’s working class coastal communities say ‘bra’ – it is very natural. Or when Queenslanders say bruz”

“Or when pakehas (white Kiwis) says bro. The whiteboys in New Zealand have always said bro – even the crusty old farmers”

“But yeah. Random white boys saying brother is always going to come across as a little unnatural. And it’s always the ones who don’t actually have brothers”

This report also found that the same definitely goes for white girls who say Sis.


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