LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

As the NRL navigates the throws of the dreaded ‘halfback shuffle,’ anonymous Channel 9 reporter the NRL Mole is having a field day discussing all the footy players who have had lunch with former footy players.

Believed to be a Cold War era style double agent, the NRL Mole is able to produce the same level of cutting edge industry insight as a Gold Coast project manager who blogs in his spare time but with exactly none of the charm.

Although the NRL Mole’s reporting appears to be mostly speculative, it is a staple on Channel 9 reporting, particularly during slow news weeks and when footy fanatics have already read every other article. 

Yet nearly 10 years later, critics are calling out the integrity of the NRL Mole who in hindsight definitely should have done something about the illegal use of peptides amongst the early ‘10s Cronulla Sharks. 

“He had time to talk about Canberra’s losing streak and Akuila Uate’s mohawk but the fact that Cronulla players were being systematically injected with hormone releasing peptides seemed to evade him,” stated one irate fan.

“Truth be told, the only sniffing he did round the Sharks was after Carney took a drink from the golden fountain and that was only after it was in every group chat known to man.” 

According to former NSW Blues coach Phil Gould, he has never met the NRL Mole for security reasons, but believes they are an integral part of the game even if they have a license to fabricate everything they write. 

“I guess you really can’t trust the sort of coward who would write under a pen name, they can just make up any old shit,” stated Phil Gould as he added the final illustrative touches to an acrostic poem he wrote in honour of the NRL Bunker.

“B is for brave, the bravest men of all. U if for unlikely, their integrity would fall. N is for Never change your wonderful ways. K is for Knighthood, you deserve for all your days…”


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