Vegetarian chef Beatrice Root (45) has concluded her 8-year PhD into the intricacies of vegetarian cooking by determining a risotto makes a good enough vegetarian option even when the person making it can’t be fucked.

The study titled “Beef with veggies? A longitudinal study on the relationship between carnivorous chefs and vegetarian cooking” examines the effort a chef and/or catering team will exert to provide vegetarian options and determined a half-arsed risotto still made for a good veggie option most of the time.

“RSLs were the worst by far,” stated Dr Root as she adjusted her septum piercing.

“Their idea of a vegetarian option was their normal risotto with the bacon pieces removed. Still not too bad though, I finished it.”

Other venues examined included pubs, restaurants, weddings and other catered events such as charity auctions and upper-class dinner parties.

“63% of the time a risotto was the only vegetarian option with the other most popular options being bruschetta, halloumi salad or asking us if we ate fish.”

The thesis also cites the few occasions where the vegetarian dinner options were comprised entirely of the sides that accompanied the meat dishes.

“Straight faced discrimination like that makes you appreciate an average risotto.”

Root hopes her dissertation will do more to encourage hospitality workers to start giving a shit about vegetarian options, even if they would never order the menu item without feeling an immediate sense of regret.


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