ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Hamstringing the nation’s youth via a complex system of economic hurdles and policy is a key growth policy moving forward, according to Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

The Prime Minister outlined the controversial raising of ‘useless degree’ university fees today in Canberra.

“Lumping young people with an interest-free but indexed debt that you only have to pay off if you end up landing a professional job is one of the Liberal Party’s signature economic growth policies,” said Mr Morrison.

“Forcing people who want to become lawyers to fork out over a hundred-grand to get an LLB or Justice Doctor or whatever in the hell it’s called, I’m just a simple southern gentleman with uncomplicated tastes and a deep love of the Hyundai Santa Fe, which is what men of my type of jib cut like to drive. What the hell even is a jib? I’m more of a fishing tinnie boat type operator,”

“Which is part of the reason why we are this new policy in the government. We want people leaving university to get a job in their field. There’s too many paralegals in this world. They should either retrain or volunteer to be ground up into pet food. Either way, it’s good for economic growth. There’s lots of teaching jobs, just not ones in leafy inner-city suburbs where young people think they deserve to live and own property in. Guess what, if you came out of the wrong vagina, forget about it. Wrong postcode? That’s even worse. But look, I didn’t make the rules. Julia Gillard makes the rules,”

“So just get a trade – or at least consider it. If you’re a woman, just marry a tradie. How fucken hard is it?”

More to come.


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