ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Defence Minister Peter Dutton has been forced into a 14-day isolation after being exposed to the Pangolin’s Wrath again.

Rather than spend the two weeks lying on top of his bed until the virus goes way, Mr Dutton said he’s going to spend the time working on his own personal projects.

“I have been practising my smile,” he told The Advocate via telephone.

It’s understood by this masthead that Peter thought he was speaking to The Advocate’s crosstown rival, The Betoota Bugle, which is owned by NewsCorp.

“Being a policeman, smiling does not come as natural as say beating young crims about the head with a wet phonebook. If I’m going to topple Scott Morrison in the springtime then I need to appear more human! [laughs] If Scott Morrison can be popular with the people then so can I,”

“So I’ve been spending an hour each morning, in my suit, practising my smile and eye contact in the bathroom mirror. I say, ‘Hello, my name is Peter,’ in a variety of different voices, too. I know I’ll never be popular with the flesh-aproned yuppies of the inner cities and the scorned housewives of Wahroonga but I don’t mind,”

“Unlike Scott, I don’t have to pretend to enjoy watching sport. I know the rules of cricket and Allan Langer has repeatedly given me thumbs up whenever he’s seen me at Lang Park. I have this in the bag,”

“Come springtime, we’re going to roll Scotty and it will be glorious.”

The Advocate reached out to Allan Langer for comment, who explained he’s not sure why Peter Garrett attends so many Broncos games but he loves his music regardless.

“He’s a shithouse dancer,” explained Langer.

“Worse than Wayne Bennett and that’s fucken saying something.”

More to come.


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