After a nightmarish 12 months of public health messaging from the Federal Government, their Labor opposition has today put forward an idea that might help convince Australians to step up and get their jab.

The Federal Opposition Leader, whose name is Anthony Albanese in case you only get your news from NewsCorp, has proposed the payment as a way to ramp up the jab roll-out, saying it would be a “much-needed shot in the arm for businesses and workers struggling from lockdowns” to prevent the spread of the virus.

“The faster this is achieved, the faster the recovery as we emerge from the lockdowns that are bleeding hundreds of millions of dollars a day from the nation’s finances.” said the Labor leader.

Albanese has proposed a $300 dollar cash incentive for every Australian who gets their jab before December 1, a weirdly specific number that seems to match up perfectly with the street value of a gram of cocaine.

Sadly for the punters, finance Minister Simon Birmingham says an idea by the Opposition Leader to offer a one-off payment to encourage people to get their shot is unnecessary and would not work – despite the government’s previous suggestions that incentives could be part of the jab rollout strategy.

Unfortunately, as has repeatedly been the case in the current political climate, the Federal Government is not willing to entertain any political strategy that they can’t take credit for.

However, with a slight reworking, this idea could be something that the government could take credit for – if they maybe change the amount to $299 or $301

Labor insists the proposal would inject up to $6 billion into the economy if all eligible Australians got the jab and spent the cash payment.

“This is not welfare” said Albanese.

“This is not money to supplement a loss on income. This is an incentive. It should not be tied to Centrelink in any way”

“In fact, my plan is to just dispense the 300 clams from the dodgy ATMs in the independent servo next to your local pub at midnight”

“Research has shown us that $300 withdrawals are most common late in the evening at mixed businesses and service stations”

“Either that, or the commbank ATM on the main street”


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