Heavy rains and damaging winds have hit Queensland’s tropical north coast as Tropical Cyclone Jasper forces residents to take shelter from uprooted trees and precarious power lines.

The intensity of the storm was reduced to a tropical low late Yesterday, but communities up north were still working around the clock to prepare for the winds of about 100km/hand

With meteorologists protecting the cyclone was due to continue to weaken as it moved inland, Incoming Queensland Premier Steven Miles travelled to Townsville to monitor the emergency response.

At a press conference today, the successor to throne introduced himself to the people of North Queensland, in the exact same circumstances that every Premier before him has done so – during a natural disaster.

“Hey” said the new Brisbane-based Premier of Queensland, who just replaced the last Brisbane-based Premier of Queensland last week.


“You guys might not recognise me, but during the pandemic I was like the Health Minister that would come on after Anna when she’d finished up announced the case numbers”

“Anyway, nice to met youse”

As the sign language lady tried to hide her cringe, Steven Miles went on to explain how he hadn’t planned on making a trip to the North this early.

“But yeah, kind of makes sense that Annastacia Palaszczuk would bounce when she did. Fuck coming back from Europe to this”

“So yeah… Couldn’t find any high-vis for this official introduction, but yeah, as you all know, please be safe. Dont drive over flooded roads yada yada yada”

“Anyone got a can of XXXX I can hold?”

The people of North Queensland silently nod through the mandatory charade from this new Brisbane bloke, before again having to listen to Federal Emergency Management Minister Murray Watt trot out the same old shit about resilience and mateship, and then finally getting a real update from one of the Emergency Services representatives.

“Anyway!!” said Miles, as he got moved off the stage by a staffer.

“Go the Broncos!”

“Fuck sorry”

“Up the cows!”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here