Grunting like a weightlifter chasing an Olympic record, the man in the adjacent toilet cubicle sounds like he would benefit from an epidural.

After heading out for a quiet drink on Friday after work, things quickly escalated for Paul, and he ended up doing two nights back to back with a Sunday session in the mix. That, and the fact that all he ate for the next 48 hours were pills, gum and the inside of his mouth.

Paul demolished a large pizza and 2 sticks of garlic bread when he came to on Sunday evening and as a result, the process of passing what feels like a small football is proving to be extremely challenging.

“It was one of the most painful experiences of my life” said the visibly relieved man when we caught up with him later as he pretended to work.

“I knew someone was in the next cubicle but I was comfortable giving it my all since I was planning on hiding in there for a while.”

“The labour pains were almost too much”

His co-workers were onto him though after he was seen trying to use his Opal card to access the building and still reeked of booze. Most of the floor were also aware this was his third lengthy trip to the bathroom by mid-morning.

“I know the optics aren’t good but I’m really struggling” said the man when we told him his colleagues thought he was a disgrace and was blatantly taking the piss.

“I have the mental capacity of a stapler today so it’s in everyone’s best interest that I make myself scarce. Especially my own.”

While he admitted the first two visits were to avoid team meetings and play Candy Crush, the struggle was real the third time around. “I have a new found appreciation for women and the child birthing process” he added.

Our reporter also spoke with the unfortunate man who was next to use the same cubicle as he recovered in the sick bay. “That stench was pure evil” he said. “I didn’t think anything could smell worse than Fish Market dumpsters on a 40 degree day but I was very wrong”.


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