A brittle local man is not making life easy for himself today, after a big night of mixing drinks and sucking on other people’s vapes.

Ash Taggart (34) says it feels like silly season has started early, after he was somehow left full of free piss after a mid week work event – and somehow crossed streams into a blow-out with some real mates who were out on the town as well

While everyone else in his office is going to be a little dusty today, Ash is carrying the extra weight of not calling it a night when the work drinks ended, and carrying on four hours longer with some of the dumbest blokes in his groupchats.

As he wakes up this morning to suit up in his armour of Joop cologne and and a shower-steamed Peter Jackson shirt, Ash has 45 minutes to get himself into a presentable state.

Knowing that if he looks as hungover as he feels, there’s gonna be a bunch of softcocks in his office that think he can’t handle his piss.

This is now a matter of pride, because these chirpy sales pigs were at home in time to watch Hard Quiz, whereas Ash could hear the fucking butcher birds waking up as he stumbled through his front door.

With twenty minutes to go, he pulls up to a medium-quality but astronomically-priced CBD cafe just a few streets away from his office.

However, his plan to soak up the grog with some grease wasn’t executed properly.

Because Ash just ordered Eggs Benedict for the first time in ten years.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” he says to our reporters, less than 90 seconds after leaving the counter.

“My stomach cannot handle hollandaise right now. Let alone a poached egg”

As Ash points out, his brain snap decision to order eggs benny might have come from a subconscious desire to go back in time to when he wasn’t a hungover adult working in the city with a middle management white collar job.

“I think I wanted comfort food. But there’s no way these blokes can cook it like my nan used to”

“I can’t even see a stove that fucking kitchen. I think everything they serve here is made off site”

“And if it isn’t, then I guess it’s going to take them like 45 minutes to cook this shit. It’s not exactly a takeaway-friendly order either”

“I’ve well and truly fucked up here”


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