29 October, 2015. 14:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A WAYWARD BRISBANE teen has been sentenced by the local courts to attend an upcoming Neil Diamond concert after she was found guilty of theft-related charges.
17-year-old Brittany Dorst was arrested after her parents pressed charges against her as they caught her stealing cash and using the family car without prior authorisation. She was taken into custody last month but was released on bail pending trial.
Brisbane magistrate Stephen Blake said that he handed down his sentence after consulting with the girl’s parents, who both agreed that she needed more “Jewish Elvis” in her life.
“Britt listens to a lot of angry music, like the Velvet-Sohos and some rap,” said Britt’s father, John. “When I was a kid, nobody was really that angry. I mean, we got angry at LBJ but that’s about it. Most of the time when I was her age, my friends and I would blaze up and listen to some Neil Diamond. Harmless.”
John’s sentiments were echoed by his with, Edith, who said that she blames the music her daughter listens to for her erratic behaviour and poor effort in school. She agrees that attending a Neil Diamond concert would do her daughter some good.
“Neil’s songs are about love and life as a Jewish cowboy in Las Vegas,” she said. “The most harmless thing on this Earth would be a loved up Jewish cowboy, so I told the judge that we were happy with his sentence.”
However, Britt has lashed out at both her parents and the legal system over the irregular sentence, saying that her legal team is already looking to appeal.
“I mean, what the actual fuck? I’d rather walk down to Sunnybank station and let a train run over my legs than go see Neil fucking Young or whatever,” she said. “That fucking judge is such a cunt and so are my parents for the record.”
Both John and Edith Dorst say that should this punishment fail to kerb their daughter’s anti-social behaviour, they’ve both agreed to make space in their home for the inevitable arrival of their first grandchild.