ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

One of the biggest dribblers God’s ever put breath in has told his inner circle, a hundred more via social media, that he knows which famous person fucked Christmas for him and the other dribblers around him on the Northern Beaches.

“I’ll tell you who it fucked was,” said our reporter’s cousin’s mate’s neighbour’s uncle.

“It was that fucking Joe Hockey – and if it wasn’t that tired-looking sellout, it was that fucking Bryan Brown. Fucking Pando, can you believe that? If only the bullets in that weird-looking tomboy’s gun were real. I’d be eating prawns with my fucking son in Noosa right now,”

“Instead, I can hard go into the next room and take a shit without the risk of being fined.”

When asked by The Advocate how he knew these things, our reporter’s cousin’s mate’s neighbour’s uncle said he’s simply done his own research.

“Do you own research, cockhead! It’s all there. All it took me was five minutes and I had the answer right in front of me.”

Our reporter continued, asking the cousin’s mate’s neighbour’s uncle if he thought it was an intrinsic part of the Australian psyche that blame must be allocated for each and every fuck up.

He disagreed.

“You stupid fucking leftie. We need to find this prick or bitch who’s ruined Christmas and we need to name and shame them. Unless it’s the Liberal State Government, then mistakes happen.”

More to come.


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