CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Former Australian cricket captain and currently unemployed Twitter enthusiast, Michael Clarke, has formally let the Cricket Australia selection committee know that he’s prepared and ready to once again cause several rifts between teammates and be injured for months on end for the national team.
‘Pup’, who retired from International cricket three years ago and still goes by that nickname despite being a 37 year old man, reportedly told Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland last night that he is the best person to help Australian cricket through it’s current cultural crisis than he also technically helped create.
“I’ve spoken to James Sutherland this morning, and I have confirmed with him that I am once again making myself available to captain the national team. I believe that, under my guidance, the Australian team can return to the level of performance and success that saw us only lose two out of the three Ashes series under my tenure”.
“I owe a great deal to Australian cricket – after all, if I hadn’t been a cricketer, I doubt I’d have gotten anywhere near Lara Bingle. I can think of no better way to repay that debt than to help the national team through it’s current crisis bye providing the experience, level-headedness, and wisdom that only 6 months out for a back injury can provide”
“The recent bans for Steve Smith, David Warner, and Cameron Bancroft for ball-tampering are a blight on Australian cricket. Now, more than ever, the national team needs a leader who only bans people for not doing their homework on time”
Cricket Australia were reportedly thrilled at Clarke’s announcement, issuing a press conference where they spoke highly of the skills Clarke would bring to the role he was fired from three years ago.
“It’s clear from the recent revelations out of South Africa that this Australian team is in dire need of a cultural revamp, and of a radical change in thinking, and we firmly believe that there is no better man for the job than the captain who once threatened to break a bowler’s arm”, said Mr. Sutherland.
Despite being out of the game for such a long time, Clarke is confident he can regain the form that once saw him as one of the top 5 batsmen to ever grace the Channel 9 commentary team.
“It won’t be easy, of course, but I firmly believe I still have all of the underlying qualities that defined my tenure as Australian captain. As I’ve always said – form is temporary, but chronic back pain and frosted tips are permanent”