ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The former Premier of New South Wales looked up in the sky last night and asked God why he does the things he does.

Caught short at his local, the Lake Street Liquor Supply in Sydney’s north, Mike Baird cursed himself for being the architect behind the Puritan laws that saw bottle shops close statewide at 10pm.

He was on his way home from a special midnight mass when he felt a bit of a thirst coming on – a thirst for the blood of Christ.

A neighbour, who lives across the street from the bottle shop spoke briefly to The Advocate this morning and described in detail what happened next.

“Mike got out of his Uber, walked up to the security roller door and knocked on it,” he said.

“When he realised that it was well past midnight and the bottle shop was indeed shut, he let out one of the loudest F-bombs I’ve ever heard. After he was done, almost every dog in the neighbourhood was barking and I think there was a car alarm going off,”

“Then he went after himself, saying things like, ‘You fucking idiot! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’ – it was pretty full on. Then he threw himself on the ground and writhed around. He smashed his head against the footpath a few times. Catholic guilt is one hell of a drug. Anyway, he got up and brushed himself off then got back in the Uber.”

The Advocate reached out to Mr Baird and the National Australia Bank for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

Former Premier Barry O’Farrell, who ironically was brought unstuck by a bottle of Wolseley Road sangria, was also contacted for comment and replied only with a single emoji.

” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯,” Barry emojied.

More to come.



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