In a weird twist to a story that no one cares about except journalists who either hate private schools or have kids at private schools, Channel Nine has today announced production for a 2019 crime series, Underbelly: That Weird Private School Haircut Story In Melbourne.

The miniseries will intricately cover the trials and tribulations of bored as fuck private school parents who are longing for a sense of outrage, and the wildly institutionalised students and teachers who don’t understand how the world works outside their Anglican all boys school.

Episode one will be set in the sunny courtyard of Melbourne’s Trinity Grammar, wear the divisive deputy headmaster Rohan Brown decides to give a year 10 boy a haircut before school photos on the first day back at school for 2018.

About 80 boys in murky green, gold-trimmed blazers giggle and watch on as the 15-year-old tilts forward a little, hands in his shorts pockets and is humiliated in a way that a stockbroker or Liberal MPs son should never have to be.

While the executive staff-member snips an inch or two from his blond fringe. One of the boys whips out his Melbourne Demons-themed iPhone X to catch the moment on video. What happens over the next four months will tear the valium and chardonnay-riddled parents committee apart.

Australian TV journeyman Lachy Hulme has been signed on to play the now nationally famous antihero of of Deputy Rohan Brown, while Richard Roxburgh has been cast has his sworn enemy and superior, Principal Michael Davies.

Luckily for the production team, Working Matchbox, the Australian media landscape is far from short of caucasian, make ex-private school thespians to play the roles of the traumatised students.

“We believe that, judging by the amount of media this story has been getting, our TV recreation will do well” said Channel 9 CEO Hugh Marks.

“It’s what politicians are talking about, and it’s what journalists are talking about, so we can only assume that it’s what everyday Australians want as well”

For the first time since Josh Thomas’ Please Like Me, this TV production will be a 100% all white cast, with not even so much as a tokenistic Polynesian nightclub bouncer written into the script.

“It’s no Heartbreak High” laughed Marks.

“There’ll be a lot more hyphenated last names [haha]”


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