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New staff-training programs for Centrelink employees have left everyone feeling a bit uneasy today, after they were advised by superiors to make sure that they can actually see urine passing out of either the penis hole or vagina flaps of their welfare recipients during mandatory drug-testing.
This comes as the Morrison Government proposes new changes to Newstart allowance criteria to test some of our nation’s most vulnerable citizens for signs of drug use, before kicking them off Centrelink, which is the best scenario for someone trying to get off drugs.
It will also be applicable to Youth Allowance, because as we as a society know, uni students thrive at expanding their minds without the use of drugs.
This comes as part of the Prime Minister’s most recent Reaganist proposal to spend millions of more tax-payer dollars developing a system to render people absolutely homeless without any safety net.
The same plan could also see the expansion of cashless debit cards, which restrict 80% of the unemployment and other benefits received by holders as a way to prevent the money being spent on drugs and gambling.
Local stroppy Centrelink employee, Wendy, says she doesn’t even want to visualise looking at homeless people’s genitals unless she knows its going to help them.
“I just didn’t become a social worker so that I could see urine come out of penis holes – and then use it as and excuse to cut people from welfare”
“Oh Jesus, the phone lines are gonna be jammed. There’ll be a lot more call-waiting if I have to take every battler out the back and look at their junk, that’s for sure”
However, Morrison says it’s a mandatory process to make sure the tests are accurate – and to stem the sale of blackmarket urine.
“We’ve already created a black market drug trade by making drugs illegal, now we could easily create a black market for clean piss”
“Sure it might be a bit invasive, but we need to approach these medical problems from a bureaucratic authoritative angle, not a medical one”
“I just want the staff to be able to confirm that they saw the urine come out of the pee-pee hole”
