6 May, 2017. 14:23

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Fairfax’s foray into online news in Brisbane has been wound back yet again after the latest round of redundancies claimed the newspaper’s last human staff.

The Brisbane Times‘ Southbank offices are now staffed entirely by three nameless chimpanzees and a parrot called Gloria.

Gloria is to resume the secretarial duties made vacant by the premature retirement of previous receptionist Lorna Stephens, who left the front desk in tears last Friday.

“They trained this parrot to work the switchboard,” said Stephens.

“Then they threw me out on the scrapheap – after 34 years of service. I’ve got half a mind to wring that fucking parrot’s neck! Not before I gut shoot one of those fat old pricks in middle-management who are still drawing a fat pay packet at the expense of quality and honest journalism. Gut shoot them with a hollow point .38 I would.”

Ms Stephens’ sentiments were echoed by a former state political reporter at the Times, who asked to remain anonymous.

The out of work reporter said he plans to throw a pot of brake fluid over his old boss’ car – because he still has a job at the fledgling media organisation after ‘jumping into bed’ with the executives.

“It’ll strip the paint right off the cunt,” said the disgruntled Brisbanite.

“I’ll do his Range Rover, then I’ll throw a pot on his wife’s BMW. He’s a fucking prick. This company [Fairfax] has shit the bed completely. This is a ‘get in the car and buy a new mattress from Sleep City’ type of bedshitting.”

“As for the chimps, I with them best of luck. They’ve come over from News Corp so you know they’re good. They’ve been using chimps for years.”

More to come.




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