After three-months riding his smartphone through the wild west of cryptocurrency trading, local bachelor Edward Fitzsimmons has found himself unable to talk about anything else – once he gets going.

Like many young white semi-professional Australian males, Edward views cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin as his saviour from a life of privilege – a way for him to tell people he did it all himself.

In fact, if anyone makes the slightest reference to Bitcoin or Ethereum – the 29-year-old Xerox salesman can’t help but launch into either a tirade or sermon about the current crypto market.

He couldn’t even help himself over dinner with a love interest.

Just three months after he began working alongside Kayla at a local printer warehouse – Ed finally managed to work up the courage to ask her dinner, she said yes.

After a few drinks and entree, it appeared things were looking good for this budding romance – that was until Kayla asked what else he gets up to. It began.

“To understand cryptocurrency, you have to first understand what normal currencies are,” he says, after Kayla told him she wasn’t very familiar with the concept of Bitcoin trading.

“Before currencies existed, you had individuals trading and bartering their services with other individuals. Do you follow?”

Kayla didn’t follow, in fact Kayla quickly became very bored.

It’s because of this that Edward is considered very lucky to get a second date, after stern warning from mutual friends.

“It’s not that I don’t get it, It’s that I don’t want to get it” she says to our reporters.

“I’d prefer him talk about a sport I’ve never heard of to be honest – like who the fuck is Andrew Johns, I don’t know, but I’d prefer to hear about him more than I’d like to hear about a made-up currency that I can’t physically touch.



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