22 November, 2015. 9:26

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australian wine is best served as punch, that’s according to world leading connoisseurs.

The news comes after rioters in Europe have been caught using Australian red wine to vandalise cars and other auto-equipment. Just last week, a crime group from north-east London admitted to using cleanskin Aussie red to strip the paint off the cars.

A gang in the mid-western town of Bathurst have been buying cleanskin Australian Cabernet Sauvignon in bulk to pour on rival gang’s motor vehicles.

Local Farmers’ Arms bartender and part-time psychologist, Sam Benda-Jones says that the problem would sort itself out if Australian wine growers “got their arse into genre”.

“I got a Kia Sorrento on a gold five-year no interest deal. Then some cheeky cunt from Windradyne poured a flagoon of Mudgee Chardonnay on the bonnet,” he said. “Now the fucking thing is almost worthless. It stripped the paint right off the cunt.”

President of the Mudgee Wine Association and long-time grape grower Dale Costigan said that his work in the wine industry has taken him all over the world.

“I’ve made wine in Mudgee since I was a teenager,” said Mr Costigan. “Been to Margaret River, Tuscany, Sonoma,  you name it. I’ve been there. Mudgee is in my bottom five.”

Therefore, it wasn’t hard for the leading brains in worldwide wine to conclude that Australian wine is best served with fruit juice.

The best party “Aussie” punch is typically made from red wine from Langhorne Creek in South Australia, according to the most recent study,

“A Shiraz Cabernet from the South Australian Langhorne Creek is perfect for making a ‘college frat party punch’ from,” said SA Tourism spokesman Grahame Dankdrank. “The perverse fruity tones make it ideal to be mixed with either orange juice or pineapple pash varieties.”

Unfortunately, Australian red wine hasn’t been the only variety to cop the full front of the off-shore onslaught.

Cleanskin white wine produced on God’s Own Continent was recently classified by the UN as a weapon of immense social destruction, as if can turn even the most respectable law student, into a blithering disgrace of a person – akin to a New York City crackhead.

Australian wines and New York City crackheads have gone hand in hand recently, as studies commenced at tertiary institutions like “a Bathurst university” and other regional places of higher education, have concluded that our homegrown grape juice is more even more harmful than the infamous Central West  “tripstacy” tablet incident of 2012.

“All wine from Australia is a concern,” said Australian Federal Police spokesman Geg Clarke said. “Kids are mixing Grange with Dr Pepper these days. There’s no use in telling when they’ll stop.”


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