The nation’s marketing agents, recruiters and casual labour hire workforce have breathed a sigh of relief this morning after remembering that they aren’t Cameroonian.

Roughly 8,000 English Nationals living in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney were relieved by their Anglo heritage and fair white skin this morning, after news rages on about the missing Cameroonian athletes.

It is believed that more than 19 athletes and officials from central Africa are still missing after the Commonwealth Games, much to the ire of our Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton, who has prioritised them as public enemy number one.

Dutton told our reporters yesterday that he has enlisted Dog, The Bounty Hunter to track down the missing athletes, but has confirmed this morning that he won’t be setting the famous bounty hunter onto the hordes of sunburnt

“I went through this with you guys in regards to the White South African farmers. When will you understand the criteria?” he said to The Advocate.  

“Yes, we have seen people in the past accept guys with a darker pigmentation because they are good at sport, like the Sydney Olympians defectors who represented us down the track, but there is a new sheriff in town, and it’s not happening on my watch, okay?”

When pressed on his claims about tracking them down and how that worked in regards to protection visas that are supposed to be granted automatically if someone in the country applies for asylum, meaning that they can’t be deported until the application has been processed, Dutton called one of our reporters a ‘smart arse’ and told them to get out.

Thomas Hoddle-Crawford (27) who’s still working at a recruitment agency in Surry Hills despite his visa actually expiring a few months ago, says he has bemoaned his pale skin all summer but is pretty thankful now.

“Well I peeled, and peeled and peeled again all summer down on Cooo-Gee and Bondi. Looked like a rock lobster I did. But I am very glad now for my complexion,” he said.

“I should actually apply to have my visas extended though, I am going to go and do that now.”


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