Both Tony Abbott and Bill Shorten agree: send dole bludgers to war.

11 October, 2014. 13:22

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | [email protected]

#BREAKING #auspol

THE PLAN to send the unemployed youth of Australia to fight in the Middle East has been passed through the lower house unopposed by Labor.

The legislation outlines that in order for one to receive the government benefit, they must complete a six-month combat tour of the war-torn region.

NewStart recipients are to be formed in to a militia battalion which falls under the direct control of the Royal Australian Army.

“This country was built on the work ethic of my generation,” says PM Tony Abbott.

“If you want the hand out, then we expect you to give back to the government in some way,”

Opposition leader, Bill Shorten, says that his time in the unions has taught him the value of hard work and sacrifice.

“Bottom line is, you only get out what you put in to life,” says Mr Shorten.

“So we expect these dole-bludgers to go over there and take lives,”

In addition to receiving the $581 per fortnight payment while on tour, a bonus exists where for each recorded kill, a NewStart recipient is entitled to a lump sum of up to $920 per ISIL scalp.

“The bonus exists to motivate the youth in to doing the best job they can while they’re over there,” says Mr Abbott.

“An opportunity exists for these people to make a lot of money.”

One of “these people” currently on deployment is “Blake” from St. Mary’s, in Sydney’s greater west.

He is currently on his first NewStart combat tour near Mosul in Northern Iraq.

“I never want to leave,” says the former panel beater.

“By the time this tour is over, I should have enough to buy a flat outright,”

Blake plans to have over 2200 confirmed combat kills by Christmas, which will earn him close to a quarter of a million dollars.

“It shouldn’t be that hard. I hope they give me a turn in those attack helicopters.” says Blake.

Both Mr Abbott and Mr Shorten has praised Blake’s can-do attitude and “bravery in the face of overwhelming adversary”.

“He’s a role model for his peers,” says Mr Shorten.

“I’m very proud of his achievements over there as an Australian.” says Mr Abbott.

“But as soon as he gets back, we’ll be watching him like a hawk.”

Despite this radical move by parliament, youth unemployment figures were up 0.2% in the winter quarter.

This has shocked Green’s leader Christine Milne, saying that the laziness of some people is astounding.

“Your government has created a scenario where you need to risk your life to receive unemployment benefits,” says Mrs Milne.

“Yet more and more young people are lining up to be sent overseas to fight,”

“It’s not a “boys own adventure” like the First World War was. The chances are that young men are going to die overseas for no reason other than to get the dole.” says Mrs Milne.

The second wave of recruits have just begun basic training at Holsworthy Barracks and are due to leave for Northern Syria by early next week.


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