The 26th of January, Australia Day.
It’s a day to celebrate Aussie pride! A couple of lamb chops and some cold beer. It’s a national holiday, a time to recognise what really makes this country great on the anniversary of the British landing.
While this year the holiday lands on a Tuesday everyone’s getting the Monday off, so it’s a four day weekend!
However, for some people, the 26th of January is also viewed as a day on mourning. A time to reflect upon our colonial ancestors systematic dispossession of our nation’s Indigenous people, starting from the day a foreign empire decided to plant a colour-clashing colonial flag on the pristine shores of Port Jackson.
Either way, it’s gonna be a piss up!
As our Government has indicated over the years, it’s best to keep the beneficiaries of colonialism separate to those that became victims of it – and Australia Day is no different!
So while the descendants of those who had childhoods ruined by the Stolen Generation and the White Australia Policies protest on the steps of Parliament, we have put together a list of the top ten best places to get drunk and ignore them!
10. Toorak, Victoria
Just five kilometres south of Melbourne’s CBD is the upmarket suburb of Toorak.
According to the tax office 10,010 taxpayers reported an annual taxable income of $1.457 billion in 2010-11. The area serves as a good indication of what white people can achieve on the back of stolen wages and fertile stolen lands.
Television and radio personality Eddie McGuire lives there, so you’ll be in good company while you crack racist ‘ape’ jokes and shotgun a few victor bravos.
9. Noosa, Queensland
Between hundreds of Gelato stores and brand-name surf-wear retailers, sits Hastings street in the Queensland beach town on Noosa, two hours north of Brisbane. This pristine coastal shoreline serves as heavily commercialised getaway for wealthy white people from Sydney.
Check out the surf club if you want to see how the 1% live! Make sure you kit yourself out in all of the Chinese-made Australian flag hats, thongs, capes and t-shirts that are available in the shopping district!
8. Greater Adelaide, South Australia
Adelaide, South Australia. Our country’s first and only state of ‘free settlement’. This means that Adelaide was never used as a British colonial dumping ground for convicts, but was settled as a separate colony for the British elite.
In other words, its Australia’s very own Rhodesia. Enjoy copious amounts of local wine and beer without any guilt. Out of sight, out of mind!
7. Bellevue Hill, Sydney, New South Wales
Not even 5 kilometres from the Aboriginal heart of Sydney, Redfern, sits the Eastern Suburbs millionaire row, Bellevue Hill.
The affluent neighbourhood of Bellevue Hill is characterised by the estates which line its streets and some of the big personalities who call it home. Media identities, politicians, Hollywood stars and supreme court judges.
It is believed the last resident of Bellevue Hill to have any contact with an Indigenous person was the late Kerry Packer, who happened across several blacks during a visit to one of the Northern Territory cattle stations he owned in the early 90’s.
6. Cottesloe, Perth, Western Australia
Perth’s beach side suburb of Cottesloe is famous for spectacular Indian Ocean sunsets and its recently restored beach front pavilion.
Originally home to the proud Nyungar people, in recent times the traditional sites and ceremonial grounds have made way for giant waterfront mansions to house those who have made billions tearing apart Indigenous country during Western Australia’s mining boom.
The beer is pretty dear, but the Perth party scene makes up for it in the way of very available dexamphetamines and high-quality crystal meth. A must for all Western Australians.
5. Bondi, New South Wales
If Australia’s collected cultural frustrations could be epitomised, Bondi Beach is the example to give.
What started as a working class beach suburb, quickly became a hot spot for backpackers and millionaire cokeheads who took a liking to the size of the beach and its lack of actual surfers.
As much as ‘locals’ will try to tell you that the area is hip, it’s mostly a transient community of people who know very little about Australia, let alone our Indigenous population.
In short, it’s a great place to get drunk and not think about the blood that was spilt on that beautiful white sand by colonial settlers over 200 years ago.
4. Gold Coast, Queensland
The sin-city of Australia, one that seemed to pop up overnight – and by overnight we mean between 1975 and 1995 when several Queensland-based developers threw bags of cash at a sleepy seaside township south of Brisbane.
Within two decades, the corrupt Joh Bjelke-Petersen government oversaw the building of hundreds of apartment blocks the size of CBD skyscrapers. All of this was done with no, to very little, consultation of the traditional owners or even the environment.
Aside from the rapid erosion of the shoreline, the Gold Coast is basically a town that was built for you to visit with a carry-on bag full of drugs and only two nights accommodation booked. Enjoy!
3. Airlie Beach, Queensland
A backpacker destination in Australia’s deep north!
Similar to Bondi beach and the Gold Coast, this party destination’s entire economy depends on a combination of hedonism and day spas.
In the centre of Australia’s historically racist ‘deep north’ the Whitsunday tourist hotspot is great fun for anyone who wants to experience irresponsible consumption of alcohol while sleeping in bunk beds.
One particular landmark is the man-made lagoon just metres from the actual beach, this was built as an alternative to swimming in the ocean while the deadly box jellyfish migrate to shore in the summer. However, it is mostly just used as a place for backpackers to have sex with each other after the pubs close, hence the nicknames of ‘the shagoon’ and ‘the gene pool’.
2. Byron Bay, New South Wales
If you are looking for a community of open-minded people who care about the environment and world peace, you are probably going to have a hard time celebrating on Australia Day.
However, if you are looking for a bunch of underachieving expatriated city youth who will never say to no to a drink, a joint, or a day off work… head to Byron.
While the vast amount of Aboriginal flags hanging on the front of beach shacks might make you feel a little uncomfortable this Australia Day, you should find comfort in the fact that no Aboriginal people actually live in those houses and the flags are only there because Xavier Rudd made it cool to hang red, yellow and black flags during his monthly concerts at the TreeHouse.
Byron Bay might sound like a haven for the politically correct, but it’s pretty much just the Gold Coast without dress codes.
1. CRONULLA, New South Wales
Cronulla is the ideal place to spend Australia Day.
Not only do the residences not ‘give a shit’ about our nation’s checkered past, but they also actively encourage segregation – as seen during the Cronulla Riots in 2005 where over two thousands drunk white people beat up 3-4 men of “Middle Eastern Appearance” because they were sick of ‘wogs’ on their beaches.
The beer is cold, the people are as Australian as they get, and you don’t have to worry about looking over your shoulder before you make a racist joke.
Places to probably not celebrate Australia Day:
Fitzroy (Victoria), Redfern (New South Wales), Inala (Queensland), The Entire Northern Territory, Shepparton (Victoria), Walgett (New South Wales), Broome (Western Australia), Cherbourg (Queensland).