Victoria will enter a “short, sharp” lockdown for five days to respond to fears a highly infectious Victorians has spread throughout the community, which seems to be a regular occurrence.

These new measures were announced by Premier Daniel Andrews moments ago.

The outbreak linked to the Holiday Inn quarantine hotel at Melbourne Airport has grown to 13 cases, with five new cases confirmed on Thursday – as the nation’s second biggest city shows their inability to stop hugging each other with unwashed hands and runny noses.

Victorians, or Sicktorians as they have come to be known by the rest of the country, have grown accustomed to the back patting they received for not going to work for four months last year.

But that will no longer be the case, as the rest of Australia finally snaps at their state’s mere incompetence when it comes to containing this virus that everyone else seems to have been able to eliminate.

From 11:59pm tonight, all of Victoria will return to stage four lockdown restrictions, meaning there are only four main reasons to leave the home: shopping for essential supplies, care and caregiving, exercise and essential work.

Exercise and shopping will be limited to within 5 kilometres of the home. Face masks will need to be worn indoors and outdoors and no visitors will be allowed in homes.

However, this time around, the hopeless southerners will not be receiving one ounce of sympathy from the rest of the country – who sneeze every time Victoria coughs.

The people of Victoria will not be thanked or congratulated for their sacrifices over the next 5 days.

Under the rules, schools and tertiary education will be closed, public gatherings are banned, people must work from home when they can, and weddings will be banned except for on compassionate grounds.

On top of the sheer frustration being voiced around the rest of Australia, many people are asking what the fuck a ‘compassionate wedding’ looks like.



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