The young men and women desperately attempting to please their parents by entering a life in liberal politics have been thrown a hospital pass by Turnbull today, as he announces new provisions that will likely result in them remaining virgins forever.

Ministers will be banned from having sexual relationships with staffers under a rethink of the code of conduct announced by Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull today.

The announcement comes amid intensifying pressure on Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce over an affair with his former media adviser Vikki Campion.

Mr Turnbull resisted calls for him to ask his deputy to resign, but described Mr Joyce’s behaviour as, “a shocking error of judgement” that “set off a world of woe”.

However, his new ban on Minster/Staffer sex appears to be condemning a whole generation of Coalition politicians to life without ever knowing what it feels like to come together as one with another human.

Made up of mostly single-children from families with a drunken borgeoise father figure screaming at Leigh Sales each evening, The Young Liberals is is the youth wing of the Liberal Party of Australia, open to anyone aged between 16 and 31 years. The Movement is a centre-right, mainstream political organisation with a political philosophy focussed on limited government power, low taxes, individual responsibility, a focus on being a lame cunt.

“Golly,” said prominent Young Liberal and aspiring non-feminst Minister For Women, Chloe Wentworth-Watson.

“Now what does one do with ones self”

“Don’t tell me I’m going to have to learn the steps to the Pride of Erin and mix with the local tradesmen at the old hall down near my father’s office”

Fellow Young Liberal, and equally socially inept campaign volunteer, Angus Huntingly-Smythley (19) says he’s worried that his one big shot at ‘doing sex’ with a female has been stripped from him because of the actions of the grass-chewing buffoon in the National Party.

“Oh drats!” he says.

“I had a 5-year-plan. I was supposed to be assistant Minister For Infrastructure at 24.”

“That’s when, as they say, it doesn’t rain, it pours”

It is believed that numerous Labor staff are in discussions of how to lose the next election and prevent the same thing happening to them.


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