18 April, 2016. 09:55


Despite being represented by the National Broadband Network’s architect and innovative Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, the voters of Wentworth in Sydney’s affluent Eastern Suburbs are more likely to find pingers rolling out onto their streets than the NBN.

A special investigation by the Betoota Advocate found it was fifteen times easier to access party drugs in Double Bay or Bondi than superfast broadband.
At popular private school watering holes The Royal Sheaf Hotel and The Oak in Double Bay it took less than two minutes to find a gram of Colombian marching powder, while at popular backpacker bar The Beach Road Hotel in Bondi a vegan with a pirate ship tattooed on his hand offered us a bag of “Molly Meldrum” within 20 seconds of entering the venue.

Meanwhile a survey of the electorate found a person living in an art deco apartment block in the area with an aging telephone connection could expect wait times of up to 30 minutes to buffer a 7 minute HD video.

Local entrepreneur Justin Shepherd (18) is fed up with the long wait for fibre optic internet service that will almost reach his father’s garage.

“I threw a couple mil’ of dad’s money at a new tech company based in North Bondi called Kaler. It’s basically an app that alerts you when someone in active wear is in the vicinity and then suggests a nearby meet-up spot with a superfood heavy menu,” Shepherd said.

“It’s guaranteed to be a hit with anyone about that #healthylife (sic) who wants to hook up with likeminded people, even if they nod-off on the train and end up down South in Chiko Roll country. The NBN would take us to the next level and open up the international market in cities like Berlin, LA and New York.”

“If only Mal would stop trying to bribe westies with quick porn and focus on the agile and innovative entrepreneurs in his own electorate the world would be a better place.”

The Prime Minister’s office is yet to respond.


  1. Cable internet is available in Vaucluse and is only 20% slower than what the NBN is capable of… How do I know? Because I lived there. Stupid article.


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