The entire state of Queensland has laughed off the ALP Government’s “wowser” lock-out laws on pubs and clubs that were passed through the state parliament earlier this year.

It appears the state, and its residents, have been blindly continuing to get blind without taking any notice of the new ALP state government’s endeavour to look “more European” by keeping the streets of the Queensland capital empty after midnight and forcing patrons to only get pissed at home.

Speaking to The Betoota Advocate this morning, the King of Queensland, Wally Lewis said that the new state Government can try as hard as they like to pretend that the North is a respectable place for timid coffee-drinking wowsers, but there is “no chance in frozen Cairns” that any new laws will be able to curb the states love for grog.

“It’s laughable,” said Mr Lewis.

“It’s very embarrassing to watch Annastacia Palaszczuk (QLD Premier) pretend Queensland is something that it is not,”

“She can take her boring wine bar stuff down to Melbourne if that’s her bag. She knew very well what she was in for when she took the job,”

“If she’s having trouble steering this ship then she can jump of it for all we care. This state was built by hard-working men and women united by lengthy sessions on the Milton Mangoes,”

AAP cameras capture a traditional Queensland man in his natural environment, being manhandled by overzealous police represented an ever-increasing nanny state
AAP cameras capture a traditional Queensland man in his natural environment, being manhandled by overzealous police represented an ever-increasing nanny state

Local Queensland teenager, Tyson Bradley (17) says its a shame he’ll never be able to experience what the last bastion of nightlife culture in Australia feels like while strolling through Fortitude Valley, but he’s content in with drinking longnecks and brawling in the park near his house.

“Its a shame. After the lock-outs down in Sydney, all of a sudden Brisbane became a destination for partying. But, yeah, I’m just gonna miss out I think,”

“It’s all good. I don’t need to be in a licensed venue to act like a fuckwit. I can do it on the street or in the garage,”

One disgruntled punter, Kerryl Darrigan (35), is from the Katter-heartland electorate of Mt Isa in North Queensland. He says these “stupid fuckin’ laws” have given him one less reason to leave the Deep North.

“I won’t even go to Brisbane for the exhibition now. What’s the fucking point? All these fuckin’ wowsers have closed the pubs,”

Above: Kerryl and his mates enjoy a couple king browns in the Regatta Hotel. One of Brisbane's most fancy venues for visitors.

“Even if I do meet a good sort down there, I’ve got to get the thing sealed before midnight. What am I? Cinda-fuckin-rella?”

“I’ll just have to limit my drinking to the Commercial Hotel up here in Charters Towers. At least I can drink out of glass schooners,”


  1. So apparently we are responsible adults who are allowed to use poker machines after Joh and watch porn too – but we can’t be trusted in Fortitude Valley after dark! Oh well plenty of other places to get drunk and stupid. Violence is caused by a lack of self-control in adults who have been badly brought up. Maybe we need to look at the way we bring up children and the punishment we mete out to people who overstep the boundaries – hitting them over the wrist with a bit of limp celery won’t help peoples! And stupid is not violent….

  2. Where’s MJBale when we need him.

    But seriously, for a minute I thought this was part of the ad “Dating Russians In Your Way”. And why not date the Russians that are in your way.

  3. Dear Sirs,

    As a Western Australian and an elite squad voluntary ranger who detects and puts down Easterners that cross into WA through a programme first proposed and established by that farsighted visionary Sir John Forrest, I wish to express my revulsion with this failed piece of legislating.

    You people need lock-in laws, not lock-out ones.

    Does no fool understand that once these characters are locked-out they are then at liberty to jump in a car, get on a train, or stow away in the luggage compartments of aeroplanes or steamers, and end up here?

    We have only limited supplies of mustard gas and are being starved of the GST revenue to buy more as a consequence of ongoing mongrel acts, and it assists our squad not one jot if some oaf insists upon leaving the gate open. Lift your game.


    Ron Muppet

  4. I wish to advise the publishers that the reference to The Castle was not missed by all upon reading this article.

    Kerryl Darrigan… fucking classic.


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