ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

AFTER RECEIVING A GENEROUS raise at work, Dennis King thought he’d give himself one at home as well.

Fulfilling his lifelong fantasy of having a premium, access-all-areas account with his favourite pornographic website became a reality last night as the 32-year-old IT professional. None the less, he’s not prepared to share which purveyor of smut he’s chosen, saying that it’s a secret between him and MasterCard.

“All my life, I’ve wanted to drink from the fountain that is premium pornography,” he said.

“Gone are the days of shaving my carrot to grainy, low-quality videos of exploited women getting jackhammered into next Thursday. This is also an  ethical choice. The actresses with the studio that I’m supporting now are happy to be there and they’re paid quite well,”

“They also have Twitter accounts so I can talk directly with them. I never thought I’d be this perverted and deprived of human contact that I’d ever have to pay for pornography – but here we are. Now sometimes I even watch the videos for entertainment, like a well-adjusted person would watch an Adam Sandler film,”

“I often enjoy my breakfast with a side of watching my favourite starlet make love. This is the best purchase I’ve ever made.” he said.

However, Mr King has expressed his concerns over the lack of racial diversity with the studio he’s just purchased the premium pass with via Twitter.

Sadly, he wasn’t aware that he linked his Twitter to his Facebook account, making every request for more ‘POV Ebony Creampies’ visible to his friends and family.




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