Prominent Bondi Irishman, Colm Waterford (23), is keeping his head low today.

This comes after learning that his recent visa issues could have resulted in enough personal turmoil to cause him severe health issues, and detained at the cost of the Australian tax payer for three years while being bounced between a series of terrifying privately operated detention centres.

Colm is of course referring to the Tamil family of four who were deported from their homes in the central Queensland town of Biloela in 2017, and have been kept as the sole inmates in the Christmas Island Immigration centre at the cost of upwards of $90m dollars.

“I dunt-kno how agot away wid it” he says.

“When me visa ran out I just applied again, but as a Northern Irishman. Loads of us have done that”

“They didn’t ask questions. But I still spent 6 months here illegally, cutting concrete and riding Brazilians”

“Was a good craic”

This government is still spending upwards of $30,000 per day keeping the Biloela family on Christmas Island – which costs a lot more than having just let that poor bloke keep his job in the meat works to begin with and helping them through the clerical error that saw their visa expire for 24 hours.

Instead of fighting them in court for half a decade, arguing that it’s not the Australian government’s problem that they could be killed in ethnic conflict upon return to Sri Lanka.

However yesterday, the mother Kokilapathmapriya Nadesalingam (known as Priya) was medievac’d from the Christmas Island Detention Centre to Perth to receive urged medical treatment after spending two weeks in the centre’s infirmary complaining of abdominal pains.

Today, it has been confirmed that the family have finally been given the wifi password of the empty detention centre so that the distraught Australian-born daughters can contact their gravely unwell mother.

This news has rattled Colm.

After learning that he was only spared from all this horror because his white skin is enough to save him from being dragged out of his bed in the middle of the night by Border Force agents dressed as SAS soldiers and separated from his loved ones so that the Australian government was able to score political points with the rabidly xenophobic Murdoch newspapers – Colm says it reminds him of something that used to happen in his country.

“That Karen Andrews and Prime Minister Morrison really have a bit of the cruel English imperialism in ’em don’t they”

“How could they justify spending $90m on keeping that family in cages in a sweltering island prison for so long that the little girls can’t even grow teeth because of the lack of sunlight”

“And one of em can get sepsis and be airlifted out after days of being sick.”

“It really reminds me of you know what…”

“Up the fucken Ra”


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