CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
The street bird known as the Ibis will now be referred to as a ‘bin-chicken’ following direct action from the Minister for Agriculture.
This follows a series of complaints from official Zoologists, who feel the word Ibis should not apply to the Australianised species.
“Ibis is an African word to describe a majestic and elegant wading bird. In Australia, it is the opposite. the Australian ibis is fucking disgusting” says Barnaby Joyce
“If we had other land animals like cats or dogs snooping around the bins in our cities parks like these birds we’d have them swiftly put to sleep in a makeshift CBD kennel”
“Why should this hideous bird get off?”
The Coalition believes that to ease the cities chardonnay socialists into the idea of a mass execution of ibis birds would be a lot easier if we stigmatise them first”
“The last thing we want to do is what Baird did with the greyhound racing”
“Once this bird is known as a bin-chicken, it will be much easier to begin a cull”
Dear Sirs,
As a Western Australian well versed in the skilled art of scapegoating, I commend this Babbly Joyce chap for grasping the concept as a necessary precursor to any successful use of muskets for the removal of undesirable elements in one’s midst. I do, however, find his choice of assigned nomenclature to be ham-fisted, and wish to offer him a proven alternative for consideration.
The Eastern Ground Parrot, Eastern Rock Lobster, Eastern Grey Kangaroo, Eastern Fat-Tailed Gecko, Eastern Shovelnose Stingaree, Eastern Rosella, and Eastern Pygmy Possum – to name but a few – have all been totally wiped out here by their injudicious use of monikers guaranteed to insult and offend. Children as young as foetus in this state are taught to automatically reach for a firearm, or a half-brick if their parents have irresponsibly and foolishly locked-away their weapons, and neutralise any creature that has “Eastern” in its title – and it matters not one jot how cute and furry they try to pass themselves off as. Through basic, simple indoctrination of this sort, this great state has been kept free of what are no doubt assorted nuisances and public defecators elsewhere. I myself don’t even wait for them to identify themselves – as far as I’m concerned if a Fat-Tailed Gecko can’t go to the trouble of wearing a clearly-printed label indicating where it’s from, or at least don a T-Shirt with “Geckos for GST Justice. Hand back our fucking stolen money” then it deserves both barrels for its trouble – one for its lack of attention to detail, and the other for having relatives east of the 129th degree line of longitude that it could be confused with.
It isn’t necessary to supply silly, long-winded names like “Bin Chicken” – which in any case sounds more like something you would purchase at a drive-through with mash and gravy and those irritating moistened hand towel packets that nobody over the age of 50 can open anyway, or certainly not without having to ask some smart-arsed youngster to do it for you – if anyone here ever decides that these ibis thingies have to go in the interests of the maintenance of public order and social happiness, it would be an easy matter to rename them as Eastern Ibis and then stand out of the way in a safe, sturdily-roofed place whilst they come plummeting out of the sky full of lead shot.
This simplified naming system can also be extended to encompass any possible human irritants as well. When talking pictures kicked-off here it was a wise bioscope owner who advertised all his offerings with John Wayne or Gary Cooper in them as “westerns” if he didn’t want his business burnt down – even if they were set and filmed in Pennsylvania, and a fair few decades back a young, sweet, perky Scottish songstress only narrowly escaped a public thrashing at her only Perth concert by pleading for calm and explaining to the crowd that it was actually spelt “Easton” and not “Eastern”, and that although it sort-of sounded the same she was firmly of the view that whenever the GST was eventually going to be introduced that GST thieves were cock-sucking mongrels and should be put to death. She got rave reviews, although for some reason she refused to ever play the state again.
I hope this Joyce chap may find this experience of some use in his quest.
Regards
Ron Muppet
I usually love your articles but this was not cool