LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In a move for a few history books, an elderly version of former Attorney-General Christian Porter has time travelled from the year 2058 to sue current 2021 Christian Porter for defamation.
This shocking twist comes just days after current Mr Porter dropped his defamation case against the ABC, because he’s innocent of any crimes – so innocent that he doesn’t want anyone snooping around in his innocentness.
Shortly after Monday’s press conference where 2021 Mr Porter was claiming victory after failing to sue the public broadcaster, several members of the press scrum reported seeing the very fabric of time tear open to reveal the liver-spotted 2048 Mr Porter who was waving a summons in what appeared to be an artificial hand.
“I never even got to be Prime Minister because of you!” shouted 2048 Porter, wearing old man clothes and a bitter leathery exterior of someone who has spent his twilight years being heckled in bowling clubs.
“I only had one day on a Big 4 bank board and when the Zoomers revolted they came for me first because of you! They destroyed me for a second time all because you couldn’t clear our name!”
Senior Mr Porter presented the younger version of himself with summons to appear in court in the People’s Democratic Republic of Western Australia on July Sixth 2048.
According to the time travelling former Attorney-General, his career never fully recovered from the historic rape allegations which led him to live a sad and pathetic life post-climate change apocalypse.
“We cut health care too much! I had to sell my good kidney to an organ farm to afford this time travel! This is bullshit! I was saving up to go to The Colosseum so I could watch some Catholics get mauled by lions but instead I’m doing this shit!”
When asked by the press if Australia were on track to meet their 2050 emissions targets, both versions of Christian Porter shared a laugh before the elder climbed back into his time machine and disappeared while flipping the bird with each hand.
Not to be outdone, 2021 Christian Porter states he is counter-suing his future self as well as the 2048 version of the ABC which according to future Porter, has a budget of about $30,000 a year.
MORE TO COME.
