With the imminent roll-out of 5G in Australia, a large list of first world problems has already been drafted in opposition to the cellular network technology that promises download speeds of up to 1 gigabyte per second.

Opponents of 5G have made all sorts of alarming claims. Some say it is nothing more than a tool used by the Chinese to spy on us, as if to say the Chinese didn’t already have both major political parties paid for and taking orders.

Others say that it will kill birds, or that it’s going to trigger a cancer epidemic.

While scientists, including the incorruptable Dr Karl, have made it clear that they believe 5G to be just as safe as any other invisible information source we let buzz through the atmosphere, it seems the entire technology is now at the mercy of the same amazing minds that convinced themselves that measles vaccines cause autism.

The open-minded internet users of the Northern Rivers, who have recently rechannelled all of their pointless activism from the unwinnable anti-vaxxer movement, to the new and exciting anti-5G movement.

“I don’t trust it” says Agatha Huntingly-Hopscoth (34) an earthy non-surfing-surfer-mum-of-5 who recently relocated from Mosman, like a couple years ago, back when Byron was still Byron.

“I’ve read a lot about it. And I don’t like the idea of the government using us as guinea pigs to trial dangerous new technologies”

When asked whereabouts she was reading that the 5G network, currently available in over 20 different developed nations, was being trialed on the people of Byron Bay – Agatha says she read it online.

“I don’t read the mainstream news” she says.

“There’s so much misinformation out there.”


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