A 24-year-old LNP staffer has been stood down today after recklessly forgetting to pack hand sanitiser during the Prime Minister’s visit to the middle-to-low-socio-economic suburbs of Eastern Brisbane.

It is believed that, after touching the hands of hundreds of agreeable voters, Malcolm Turnbull was sent into a uncontrollable rage when the young staffer, Alf Luent (Bellevue Hill), informed the Prime Minister that he had forgotten to pack a bottle of Dettol Healthy Touch Moisturising Hand Sanitiser.

Mr Luen was told to head back to the Wentworth electoral office by plane, and forced to hand over his woollen gloves, so as to prevent the Prime Minister from contracting anymore germs from the blue-collar voters in Carindale.

“Not good enough, Alf.” Mr Turnbull told the former Secretary of the Young Liberals NSW.

“Head back to the office, put your stuff in a box, and head home. I don’t want to see you until Saturday night,”

“I’m out here touching the hands of forklift drivers and you tell me you’ve forgotten the alco-rub? You’re fucking lucky we didn’t have to go to a place of worship on this trip!?”

“Get back on the nod-off express. I’m so off you,”

This isn’t the first time Malcolm Turnbull’s mysophobia has resulted in tensions within the party. In July 2014, the then Minister For Communication found himself light-headed when he noticed Joe Hockey turning sausages with his fingers, during a colleague barbeque at the former-Treasurer’s Hunters Hill home.

In 2009 Turnbull took great offence to his then cheif-of-staff, Peta Credlin picking her toenails while sitting at his Canberra desk. She was then demoted to a deputy position she was demoted to deputy during this tenure.



  1. Dear oh dear. Any Rugby League coach will tell you “It’s about getting the little things right. You’ve gotto get the 1%’ers right if you are going to win”.

    And is there any audio of ‘Mr Turnbull’ bleating the F bomb? Just imagine if there was and it was leaked. Just imagine how many youtube videos would be made using the audio in half-arsed songs and ‘mash ups’. The #auspol feed would lose its integrity.

    Anyway, why wasn’t the bloke ‘fist knocking’ fork-lift drivers. Shaking hands is pretty old-school.

    And finally, there is no mention of a ‘shoe sanitizer mat’ used before they all got back on their bus.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here