In today’s press conference, the Morrison government unveiled its new RentSeeker package, designed to get money into the hands of those who were eventually going to get all of it anyway – as late stage capitalism plays itself out in front of our disbelieving eyes on the grand stage that is the year 2020.

“Australians understand that we’re all in this together”, said ScoMo at the presser.

“Which is why, as of October 1st, we’re going to make sure that the billions we’re not investing in JobKeeper will go directly to people who bought their first homes at age 24 for the equivalent of three years’ salary in 1975.”

“Accidentally making one of the greatest investments in the history of the universe and then borrowing against that investment and exploiting tax loopholes that only serve the already-wealthy in order to domino their way into owning more properties than any millennial ever had in a game of Monopoly for Nintendo Switch.”

Frank Creddyt, 66, of Brighton, has had to postpone adding more properties to his investment portfolio this year, after two of their tenants became unable to pay their rent since the global crisis decimated the tourism industry that formerly employed them.

Creddyt told our reporter that he was “looking forward to finally getting a good night’s sleep” now that the government had finally decided to overtly aid and abet his rent-seeking behaviour, adding that “if we have to wait for the money to go through the poor people’s accounts before it gets to us quiet Australians, the negatively geared foundations our country is built on could collapse beneath us”.

His tenants, meanwhile, were understanding of the situation.

“It’s only fair I guess aye,” said Sam Ramsay, 29, of New Zealand.

“I should have been born in Australia”, he added, “and ideally in the 1950s. Haha.”


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