EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

The world has this week urged actor Will Smith to please, PLEASE buy his wife/non-wife Jada Pinkett Smith a moleskin diary for her birthday, after being collectively forced to hear every sordid details from their marriage over the past few years, including Jada’ dalliance with her sons best friend, her obsession with former lover Tupac Shakur, and now the most recent ‘revelation’ – apparently, they haven’t been married for years!!!

Speaking to some locals at the Betoota Tavern, our reporter discovers that anyone with an active social media account is fucking sick of hearing about the couple, with one tech savvy youngster even reporting that he’d installed a Jada blocker extension to his browser. 

“I’m serious, is it a kink?”, queries one patron, who has been slamming sambuca shots for the past half hour to erase the couple’s marriage issues from her memory, “like is it some kind of dom/sub relationship and Will is getting off on being becoming humiliated?”

“What the FUCK IS IT.”

One of the bartenders who caught wind of the conversation adds that he’s “fucking over it too.”

“Look, I’m sure Will isn’t a perfect angel, and he evidently has a lot of pent up rage”, says the bartender, furiously wiping at a lipstick stain on one of the wine glasses, “it’s not always black and white, where there’s a ‘good guy’ and ‘bad guy.’

“But everyone can agree it’s incredibly narcissistic and cruel to share private details about your marriage to the public.”

“And they’ve both spilled the beans, but I swear I can’t go TWO FUCKING DAYS without hearing something along the lines of ‘I love Tupac more’, ‘Chris Rock asked me out’, ‘Will has a small pee pee.”

“It’s like her sole purpose for existing is to continue humiliating the man.”

“Fucking write it in a diary, or talk to your girlfriends.”

“I feel like I’ve been forced to be a fly on the wall of their marriage counselling sessions, and I’m begging for someone to swat me.”

More to come.


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