ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Foreign-owned conglomerate Uber has warned the Albanese Government’s sweeping industrial relations reforms aimed at giving “gig economy” workers the same rights as other workers could see the cost of their service skyrocket.

That would mean many of the nation’s fat and lazy would either have to part with more money for their to-the-door Pad Thai service or simply get off the fucking couch and walk to the shops.

The US tech giant’s Canberra lobbyists are now calling on the government to rein in the broad provisions of its Closing Loopholes Bill, which is set to be put to a vote in Canberra later this year.

Locally, however, the news has been met with a mixed reaction, with one well-heeled chode telling The Advocate that this new measure to pay workers properly will have unintended impacts.

“There are people who don’t have their own transport, people who can’t walk to the shops. The only way they can eat delicious food is through one of these apps,” said Dale “Big Dale” Cutler, a Betoota Heights programme manager.

“The nearest shops for me are over half an hour’s walk away? What do you want me to do? Raid the pantry? Take responsibility for my own food needs?”

“And there are some days when I just don’t feel like cooking! Like the other night, I came home and just frowned at the Coles pre-made lasagne sitting in the fridge, waiting to be popped in the oven. I just couldn’t do it; I had Italian for lunch that day, too. I wanted something light and tasty, like a beef Pad Thai with a can of Coke that I could sip on while I watched The Block,”

“This legislation that the Albanese Government is putting forward is ableist.”

Big Dale sighed and looked away.

“We live in a capitalist society, which means some people have to eat shit and die. For every big house on the hill, there’s a dozen workers in Betoota Ponds being exploited. That’s just the way it is. For every scrumptious Thai feast delivered to my door, there’s a dozen so-called international students living ten-to-a-room in the city. Lefties understand it; they just don’t want to believe it. For every Tesla-driving leftie, there’s a dozen kids in the Congo hosing cobalt out of a hillside for a warlord to sell to battery manufacturers,”

“That’s just the way it is.”

More to come.


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