ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Locked out of the Yeppoon real estate market, a local tradesman has decided to treat himself the only way a fourth-year-live-at-home-apprentice can these days.

“I got myself a Maloo, mate. Black on black on black,” said Wheeler Kennedy. “She goes like a shower of shit and I can hang the bum out with just the slightest toe on the loud peddle. She’s my beaut-ute! [laughs]”

However, the carpenter wasn’t so chipper this morning when he turned up for work this morning with his new ute. He’d been so excited all summer to finally debut his brand-spanking motor to the boys – but how the boys reacted has got the 32-year-old wanting to return it.

Much to his own personal shame, Kennedy can’t drive a manual.

“It’s not my fault,” he said. “My Dad’s a cabbie and Mum’s banned from driving until 2093. We only ever had clapped out Falcons for me to drive.”

But that hasn’t stopped Wheeler’s colleagues from asking him if he chose to get an automatic because it’s ‘more convenient’ and ‘more practical’ – to which he said yes – to which his colleagues began laughing at him again – even the apprentice electricians.

His friends down the pub have also hung shit on him for opting to pay extra to get the paddle shift.

“It’s just un-Australian,” said a friend. “Why would you sacrifice 65% of your income for an automatic Maloo? Why do they even make them? Who the hell agreed to insure him?”

“There’s so many unanswered questions here.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here