ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

With a fresh deck of Marlboro Golds on the cart dashboard and a six-pack of Gold cans generously iced in the Esky, local mother Denise Coleman is living the life down at Royal Betoota Country Club this afternoon.

The 32-year-old small business owner is taking part in the ladies 2-ball ambrose competition with three other friends. There are a few laughs, some good golf, and great company.

But at the turn, Denise explained to our reporter that she received a disturbing phone call. One she often gets when her stay-at-home husband knows she’s off having fun somewhere.

“The baby has been screaming her head off ever since I left this morning,” she said.

“In fact, it was the sound of the door clicking shut that woke the baby up, and since then, my husband has been at war with her, trying to put her to sleep for her afternoon nap. Every time,”

“I told him there’s not much I can do. The girls and I had a few warm-up pints of heavy in the clubhouse. Rach surprised us with a bag. I’ve had two keys, three pints, half a dozen Gold cans, and about ten cigs. What does he want me to do? Drive home? I was going to leave the car here, but if he wants me to risk driving home, I’ll do it, but it’ll be his fault if I get pinged,”

“You know, it’s annoying because we were going to stay around for a while after and have a few more drinks. All week, I’ve been dreaming about this afternoon. A few beers, a few cigs, some bag. Perhaps even a few working man’s negronis [Jim Beam & Cola cans] when the sun went down. Sally and Rachael turned their phones off so their husbands can’t track them on Find My Friends if we end up getting an Uber into town and going M A fucking D tonight and go on the bend. Cindy and I might win this thing the way we’re going,”

“If we do, we’re having a lock-in at her place. Her husband has gone to his sister’s place tonight. We’ll put some Bee Gees on, get some more bags. More cigs. Stay up all night talking about the stock market and how fucked life is. But also how good it is. Fuck, I’m getting tingles just thinking about it. Dark Bee Gees songs only. Emo disco. Like ‘If I Can’t Have You,’ the B-side of ‘Stayin’ Alive’ version. ‘True Confessions.’ I want to hear Barry [Gibb] shriek, man.”

The Advocate reached out to Denise’s husband for comment, but he was having a nap.

More to come.


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