ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A radical plan put forward by the South Betoota Polytechnic College Minksy School of Economics has suggested that one extremely useful tool to help fight inflation in the economy is to simply introduce something into the ecosystem that actively hunts the biggest problem.

Similar to the Queensland Government introducing the cane toad in the 1930s to fight the growing cane beetle population, a new respiratory illness sweeping through China could be introduced in Australia to keep people over 55 in their homes and away from places where they can make discretionary purchases.

Australians over 55 are currently the petrol being thrown on the inflation bon fire as they’re more likely to be less impacted by rising interest rates as they’ve already worked hard and paid off their mortgage. Many of them now are enjoying the fruits of their labour by going to restaurants to argue with waitstaff and mock their accents, trading investment properties, going to pubs and complaining about the price of a schooner and how loud they are these days, complaining that their children refuse to procreate because the environment is collapsing and they can’t afford anything.

In addition to the rampant profiteering by big business and foreign investment in property with the proceeds of crime, these activities of over 55s are one thing that the government can’t control without falling out of favour with much of the population.

“We have found a more, uh, natural way of keeping people over 55 out of the economy,” said the report’s author, Professor Gavin Hargraves.

“The government could essentially accidentally introduce this new mystery virus from China into the economy and pretty much refuse to contain it properly and just put out a few health warnings to say stay inside if you’re worried. We saw during the pandemic that it can cause interest rates to go through the floor and inflation so low it was almost going backwards,”

“Sure, it’s a bit of a sledgehammer on a thumb tack but so are interest rate hikes on young families with a six or seven-figure mortgage. We don’t expect the government to do anything to fix this problem, which is why this solution could be entirely possible.”

More to come.


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