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New Zealand’s shot put medal hopes have been put firmly on the shoulders of Barnaby Joyce, as he qualified for the event this afternoon in Auckland.

Joyce, who supports his athletic career by moonlighting as Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister, is reportedly both ‘chuffed’ and ‘fucking stoked’ to represent his father’s birthplace in the upcoming Gold Coast Commonwealth Games.

“Should be a great little footnote to what’s been a great career,” he said.

“I’m confident I can take gold, as well. There’s a Jamaican bloke and this dude from Scotland I might need to worry about but yeah, should shit it in, thanks for asking,”

“Anyway, I thought I was in a bit of curry when I renounced my Kiwi citizenship to get my old job back, that they wouldn’t let me compete but the New Zealand Olympic Committee is surprisingly chill about the whole thing. Anyway, up Aotearoa! No ghost chips for me.”

Never the less, many of Joyce’s parliamentary colleagues were at first upset and angered at the move but ultimately resigned that this isn’t the strangest thing The National Party has done in recent memory.

The Advocate spoke to the Prime Minister a short time ago about the announcement.

“It is what it is,” said Malcolm Turnbull as he shrugged.

“What can I do? Tell him not to? I’ve already lost interest. I might even go to Golden Plains with Richard Di Natalie when it’s on. Just have a few days sitting in a teepee thinking about things. But yeah, I wish him the best of luck.”

More to come.




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