ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

When the Dark Wizard of English Cricket died in 1915, his soul was divided and placed into seven objects so he could attain cricketing immortality.

Today, science has discovered remnants of W.G. Grace inside Steve Waugh’s iconic red handkerchief.

A major breakthrough, says one representative on loan to the Australian Institute of Sport from the CSIRO.

“With this discovery, we’ve found four Horcruxes,” said Mark Doolan.

“The first one was located in the golf ball that Don Bradman used to hit against a rainwater tank with a cricket stump. That’s currently secure in a hidden, secret location,”

“It wasn’t until another part of W.G. Grace’s soul was discovered in Fred Trueman’s cigarette lighter and the third was the Mosquito that Keith Miller used to bomb the living shit out of Dresden in during the Second World War that we got another,”

“One theory suggested the stump Shane Warne danced with on the balcony at Lord’s was another but that was quickly discredited. It’s quite a rush to find another, to be honest.”

As for what’s going to happen to the famous rag now that it’s been outed as another Horcrux, the AIS have said they plan to put the piece in lockdown.

However, like Steve Waugh said to Trevor Hons many, many times before, he has said the AIS ‘can go and get fucked.’

“They can take it from my cold dead hand,” said Waugh.

“I’ver got the hang up now. Good bye.”

The hunt is still on for the three remaining Horcruxes of W.G. Grace’s soul.

Researchers say they need to secure the items to prevent the English cricketing wizard from coming back to life, which could potentially bring on the next dark age of cricket.

What that is, we can only hope we aren’t alive to see it.

More to come.



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