ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
“I told myself this year that I’d make a change,” he said.
“And by God, I’m going to do it.”
After a long summer of running up and down stairs, lifting heavy things and being social, Greg Franklin is sick and tired of feeling fantastic.
This year, the 29-year-old is hellbent on getting the winter body he’s always wanted.
He knows it’s going to take hard work and determination.
Long, lonely nights at home suffering through one emotional eating binge after another.
But he’s not alone.
Many local fast food restaurants are committed to supporting people like Greg in their journey to harm themselves physically and emotionally.
One of the first franchises to throw the moody Scorpio a lifesaver was the Betoota Ponds Dominos, who’ve made it easy for Greg to begin his quest for a banging winter body by filling his letterbox with coupons.
“They sent me deals where I can get three pizzas, a coke and some garlic bread all for like $25. I don’t even need to leave the house or interact with another human. I just leave a note on the door to leave it and go away,” he said.
“Perfect. There’s like 4000 calories or something in all that shit. I’ll have that winter body before Winter even gets here at this rate.”
Just when he thought the bargains wouldn’t stop coming, he received some coupons from a popular flavoured milk brank – one made famous for busting more lapbands than any other.
Their lawyers have prevented us named them, for now.
“When I was watching my weight and keeping fit, I would’ve rather had a glass of a stranger’s first piss of the day than have a chocolate milk,” he said.
“Now, they’re my partner on a great and noble quest to the land of Dad bod.”
More to come.