ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The unsinkable Barnaby Joyce has thrown his hat in the ring to be the government’s drought envoy this week as the El Nino cycle begins to settle.

Citing his previous experience as Canberra’s eyes and ears on the ground when it comes to primary production during dry spells, the Member for New England shot a text off to the Prime Minister Anthony Albanese this morning.

Mr Joyce outlined the exchange he had with Albo, telling The Advocate that if anyone knows how to report from the coalface of the drought, it’s either him or Pip Courtney.

“Obviously Pip would be a great drought envoy but I’m afraid it’d take more than a humble drought envoy role to lure her over from the ABC,” Barnaby explained.

He then cleared his throat again.

“Christ alive, I’ve got this unshakable cold. I’m cold, then I’m hot. Anyway, I’ve been the drought envoy before and I did a great job. I mean, there’s not much to it, really. You can’t let some wet-behind-the-ears union organiser such as Murray Watt or you know, that, uh, fuck. Who was that bloke? Uh, fuck me. Oh, Mike Kelly. No, he’s retired. Anyway boys, I’m waffling,”

“Being a drought envoy is serious work. You have to travel and speak to people. Strangers. You know, they all tell you a different story. You know, ‘We need more support’ and ‘I was greedy and didn’t destock until it was too late and now I’ve done my arse and it’s fucking Albo’s fault and blah blah blah’ you know what the drill is. You know, it’s easy, mate. Well, actually, it’s not easy,”

“Back when I was drought envoy, I was shooting texts to ScoMo all day and all night. No rest for me. I sent him a video of me shooting a feral pig in a cage and he sent back a sad face emoji. It’s important work.”

The Advocate reached out to the PMO for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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