Restarting a health kick can be tough, especially when you realise how serious the fitness industry has become in the five years since your last run at the gym, but don’t worry, there’s ways to earn respect even though you are starting up at an embarrassing square one.

The only thing that roid boys respect more than someone who can lift heaps, is someone that has injured themselves trying to lift heaps… And if you can’t lift heaps, then your best bet is to pretend you are part of the latter.

These five tips will help you look like you know exactly what you are doing in the gym, but are taking it easy because you are recovering from a fake injury.

1.Stretch heaps

Stretching is generally looked down upon by people who for lack of a personality, are solely defined by their exercise routines. UNLESS you are stretching a specific muscle for over 15 minutes before you begin working out. By an overly showy warm-up, you’ll look like you tore a muscle in an overzealous pre-Stereosonic work out three years ago. Thus earning respect.

2. The fake limp

Be careful with the fake limp, it’s the easiest play, but if you make it look like the limp has come on fairly recently, then you’ll just look like a bitch who is still hurting from your fortnightly leg-day. Make it look like you fucked your back during an over the top session on the squat rack when you were by yourself one afternoon shortly after your girlfriend left you.

3. Accessories

Those foam tube things that people roll their buttocks onto you are usually only seen used by actual athletes or personal trainers. Not only does this make you look like you 100% know what you are doing, but have to take it easy because you went straight into a leg press without warming up around about 18 months ago when you were so jacked on pre-trainer that you couldn’t see out your left eye.

4. Phone usage

Fucking around on your phone is a great way to avoid doing much at the gym while also hogging a machine – but it also makes it look like you have strict instructions from a chiropractor or doctor. Just go on Facebook for fifteen minutes at a time, but make sure you pretend you are following a safe work out plan.

5. Neediness

Constantly asking for help from the gym staff who you aren’t specifically paying for extra attention is a great way to look like you are especially vulnerable due to an injury forced onto your body by competitive lifting. If you keep asking for tips on certain parts of your body, it will definitely make you look like someone who was once great in the gym.


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