7 September, 2016. 15:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
ENJOYING HIS FIRST HOLIDAY in nearly a decade, Michael McGarvey and his new wife thought it was time to pack up and the sample the easy life.
Landing in Los Angeles last week, the 34-year-old television news producer quickly went to work switching off and seeing all the sights that tinsel town had to offer.
However, as he was savouring his last night in Santa Monica, he saw the celebrity that’s responsible for a catch phrase which has tormented him his entire life, walk out of a restaurant on the other side of Wilshire Boulevard.
“Something inside of me c-c-c-clicked and I saw r-r-red,” he explained from the county prison.
“All my f-f-fucking life, I’ve dreamed of finding A-a-adam fu-u-ucking Sandler and flogging the cunt half to death for that ‘t-t-t-today junior’ bullsh-i-it. Last night, I finally got my c-c-c-chance.”
Police scanners were awash with emergency calls at approximately 11pm local time last night, with reports that Hollywood star Adam Sandler had been viciously assaulted by an irate man out for blood.
After running through traffic, the Australian threw himself at the comedian like he was George Gregan saving a try.
Sandler was rushed to hospital after his brain was given a full factory reset by McGarvey, who said the actor’s head bounced off the footpath like a Brett Lee short ball.
Regaining consciousness a short time later, his condition is listed as stable by the local UCLA Medical Centre and is expected to make a full recovery.
When police arrived at the scene, they found McGarvey screaming at and shaking the lifeless body of the actor.
“Police are considering laying charges against the Australian citizen, but we understand it’s a hard case to win,” explained a Santa Monica police spokesman.
“We completely empathise with Mr Garvey and stuttering people alike – especially those in elementary school when Billy Madison came out. We’ll just have to see what happens.”
More to come.