7 January, 2015. 12:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

NORTH KOREAN SUPREME LEADER Kim Jong-un has released a statement via the NK national news broadcaster that five million Rhode Island Pounds, a current defunct since 1793, would halt further thermonuclear tests.

In response to North Korea’s demands, the US State Department says they’re weighting up their options.

“In response to the ridiculous demands, we’re going to have to get every government intern in D.C. to start photocopying Rhode Island Pounds,” said a department spokesman. “It’s going to cost us thousands in paper and lost man hours. The Justice Department isn’t actually sure if what we’re doing is counterfeiting. We’re just giving the man what he wants.”

Yesterday marked North Korea’s fourth successful nuclear test. The first few, which took place between 2006 and 2013, involved atomic bombs that the United States were detonating in the 1940’s. By the modern yardstick, Russian President Vladimir Putin described the nuclear capabilities of the rouge state as “a bit shit”.

“Kim Jong-un’s nuclear weapons are gay,” said Putin. “In Russia, we’ve used nuclear bombs more powerful than that to put out forrest and underground fires. I would let my children play with such weapons.”

Hopes for a peaceful resolution to the pseudo-crisis are the top priority for the country’s closest neighbours, Japan, South Korea and China.

High-level talks are being held today in the Japanese capital, with South Korean Park Geun-hye stating categorically that an Asian nuclear proliferation treaty needs to the the regions top agenda.

“As South Koreans, we’re concerned that other nations might lose their patience with the Northerners and fuck their shit up, which will affect us greatly,” said Geun-hye. “I know that Kim Jong-un can be a bit of a dog cunt here and there but we need to approach him with kindness.”

With additional reporting from Reuters.   


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