10 August, 2015. 12:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

IF YOU TRIED TO complete your census online last night, chances are you weren’t able to.

Not because our current internet infrastructure was put in the ground when Australia’s young men were still bayonetting the Japanese in South East Asia. Not because we weren’t prepared for the millions of people who were trying to access the same website at the same time.

You weren’t able to complete your census because we came under attack from an overseas force.

Earlier this morning, China said they didn’t launch a DDoS attack on us because of what 400m Olympic Freestyle gold medalist Mack Horton said this week about his Chinese rival, they did it for another reason.

A DDoS attack, or a Distributed Denial of Service is an attempt to make an online service unavailable by overwhelming it with traffic from multiple sources – or asking 24 million people to go to a website at the same time.

Speaking from Beijing this morning, Communications and Signals secretary Jai-ping Wong said that while Mack Horton has eaten his own shit before and no respect, they didn’t paralyse the census servers because of that.

“Australia very powerful arrogant nation,” said Mr Wong.

“While we didn’t hack any information or anything like that, we just thought it’d be a fun exercise to break your stupid rubber band and sticky tape internet. Just to see if we could. The suggestion that we did it because of Mack Horton’s comments is ridiculous,”

“But if you go to Mack’s tagged photos on Instagram, you will see that the Chinese people have rekt him enough,” he said.

The Advocate attempted to contact the AOC for comment numerous times this morning to no avail.

More to come. 


  1. Normally serene Chinese tourists were roflol about the “national” rail system and now we’ll have to wear it about this too, as they try to keep a straight face suggesting we hire Chinese census people. But since they do it for 1400 million population, we’d probably get the junior clerk, for the 24.


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