CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Local bloke, Cameron Sampson has spent the last few hours listening to James Blunt, not seriously, but kind of seriously.
It’s the only way he can deal with the horror of being described as ‘harmless’ by a woman that he thought was in love with him. A friend-of-a-friend by the name of Millie. His iso crush.
“I wasn’t expecting anything, but I think she probably could have told me that she wasn’t into me before our third Netflix all nighter” he says.
“I have literally never paid that much attention to a friend in my life. 18 hours a week I was clocking in at… Surely she knew that I was keen. We were basically violating state social distancing laws”
The horrific incident came after Cameron was finally introduced to a smallish group of Millies close friends, during a weekend park visit.
“One of her friends had a boyfriend that seemed alright. I think he could see I was desperately in need of closure”
“He’s just gone and asked Millie in front of everyone if I was the new flame”
What happened next will haunt every bloke present for many years to come.
“She just burst into giggles” says Cameron.
“She said of course not. She said it was nothing like that. She said I was harmless.”
Cameron was then swarmed by the socially distant boyfriends shortly after this spectacle of emasculation, where he was given a cigarette and offered a ride home.
“I can get you out of here real quick if you need it, mate” said one bloke.
“It’s just horrible what happened to you back there”
The victim left shortly after.
After a week of half-hearted text messaging, Cameron says he’s only got one play from here.
“I’m going to go cold. It’s a bold move but I’ve heard about blokes turning it around from here”
‘Going Cold’ is described as one of the last resort in a pseudo-platonic relationship, where a suitor reacts to a lack of status by pretending to have found a real romantic interest, and responding to text messages with one word replies.
“I just need to limit myself to three texts a day”
“Its gonna be tough”
