ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

WANTING TO GET TO the bottom of an age-old mystery, the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre in Sydney commissioned a study into Tooheys Extra Dry Platinums, a brew notorious for its higher-than-average alcohol content.

What the report found has rocked the Australian liquor industry.

The report concluded that nothing good ever happens if a day’s drinking involves the infamous ‘elephant’ beer.

Over a thousand males and three females were queried by the research centre, asking them if they’d ever had a positive experience while consuming platinums – nobody said they had.

27-year-old financier Harvey Squirt agreed that in the dozen or so times he’d ‘sacked up and gone with the strong boys,’ it has always ended in tears.

“Back in college, I’d get the black 8-pack, thinking I was a mad cunt,” he said.

“But each time, I’d wake up broke. My mouth tasting like I’d spend the previous day sucking spoons. My phone would either be flat or broken. Random bruises and aches and pains. But I’d never learn my lesson,”

“The never the less, I’d be back on the bastards again, speaking gibberish by 7pm.”

Full details of the report will be available from the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre website this week.



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