ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
For years now, teams of scientists at the nation’s peak scientific body have been trying to discover just what in the jumping blue Jesus this breed of dog is – to no avail.
The team, made up a of number of leading canine specialists, veterinarians and other people of that ilk explained to The Advocate today, the day after a white paper on the subject was published by the CSIRO, that despite working to find out what breed this dog is, they still are no closer to knowing.
“We aren’t even sure if it is a dog,” said Dr Darcy Brown, of the South Betoota Polytechnic Student Veterinarian Clinic.
Our reporter paid a visit to Dr Brown’s office this morning. A six pack of Yakult throw downs littered his disorganised desk.
“Don’t mind the Yakults, mate. I’ve got an upset stomach. We had some prawns on Friday and I had the rest of them last night for dinner. Three hours later and I’ve woken up in a pool of sweat, my wife is nowhere to be seen. Then, a dry retch from the downstairs toilet. Oh, Christ mate, I’m in a bad way. I barely got to work,”
“Oh yeah, the weird dog. Yeah mate, whatever the fuck that thing is, I have no idea. We had one in here and the bloke was saying it was a Boston something or other but we didn’t believe him. Jesus Christ mate, I think I’m going to die. It feels like I’ve eaten glass and acid.”
Dr Brown then excused himself and told our reporter to speak to someone else in the CSIRO’s mystery dog team.
Professor Mark Clarke, from the CSIRO, said they even tested the DNA of dog.
“We got the DNA sequencing back and the printer paper hit the floor with the results. There was more shit in this thing’s DNA than a one-eyed wild dog out the back of Jundah. You’d never seen such shit. So we went back to the drawing board. The thing can’t breathe, can’t run, can’t see and can’t hear. What’s the fucking use of it?”
Both Professor Clarke and our reporter shrugged.
More to come.
